Are they looking at me?

​So much of our lives is flooded with what someone thinks of us. If its not the petty cool and uncool game we all played in high school, its what did that employer think of me in that interview? We are all that kid we were in high school, sitting at the lunch table looking around at everybody else laughing or glaring. Is he laughing at what I’m wearing? Did she tell him I like him? Does she really like me? Why aren’t they sitting with me today?
 
They say high school is the worst and best time of your life. But, we never leave high school… Literally, the only thing that changes is bills. I still find myself questioning if my co-worker really means they like my outfit? I still find myself questioning if my friends are keeping my secrets? I still find myself questioning if he’ll ever really like me, or is he just using me?
 
Unconsciously or not. Regardless if we think we don’t care what other people think. We all have to admit – out loud or just in our heads – we care to some degree. So, I start to wonder, what would it be like to be free of that thought? I sometimes think (and hope) Sammy is free of these thoughts. Could you imagine being so different and struggling every day and then having to feel like everyone is looking at you like you are wearing the most ridiculous outfit or everyone is snickering about what you just did? Enough people already make comments, but to forever be trapped in that endless questioning? On top of everything else he’s got going on.
 
I hope he’s free of that, and I’m envious if he is.
 
But then I start to think – isn’t that life? We may claim it’s only apart of high school but really its everyday life. A job interview, a potential mate, a new friend, a landlord, a loan agency, etc. Is it right to hope he is free of that thought? That’s a thought that we all go through, constantly. It’s what makes us humans. It’s what makes us think and feel. It’s what makes us change our behavior.
 
I’m not saying its right to change the way we act depending on who we are around. But we do. Unconsciously or consciously. I absolutely see this change in my brother, but not because (to my knowledge) he is worried about what they are thinking about him. It just seems to be what he thinks of you and his behavior shows it.
 
One thing Sammy, Jack, and I have in common is that if we don’t like you or value you – for whatever reason that may be – we don’t give you a second look. Which is something I love, because it shows one quality that all of us have in common as siblings. Regardless of female vs. male or Autism vs. not Autism, we all have that same trait. Which I love.
 
But is it because Sammy is free of that heart wrenching thought of what everyone thinks of him? Or is it because that’s how he feels and doesn’t know how to “fake it?” And should I be happy he is free of that thought or sad he doesn’t experience an everyday human feeling?